Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
