Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So squirting runs in the family.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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