see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
