just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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