based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
