I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
