I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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