I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
