Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You ruined the universe
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
