are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
