Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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