Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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