Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
