16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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