paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
