I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
