my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
