i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
