College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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