hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize