My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Found your dick twin last night
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
