Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
