i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
