I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
