his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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