sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
