at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
