Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
