I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
