dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
