every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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