battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
