it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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