Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
