I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
