My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
