i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
