College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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