I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
