Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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