they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
