why didn't you poke me back
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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