filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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