shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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