I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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