Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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