im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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