You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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