take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
