Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Drake has all the answers
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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