I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
