the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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