You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
