Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
