$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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