I faked an abortion last night.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
