You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
