i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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