i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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