sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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