Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
