So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
